(_{Cover photo by RF._.studio on Pexels})

Story time: I quit my dream job.

I’ve wanted to be a forensic scientist for over 15 years. From taking extra science classes in high school, to attending one of the best forensic science colleges in the country (shout out UNH – go Chargers), to adding a Chemistry double major so my future resume would stand out amongst my peers’, to moving to Philly for a brand new forensic toxicology masters program. Basically, all of my schooling was focused on helping me get a job within the forensics field. After graduating with my Master’s degree, I started work as an analyst at a forensic toxicology lab hoping to one day be promoted to Forensic Toxicologist, a dream job of mine after all of that work.

4.5 years of working my way up through lab positions, going in on all different shifts, training new employees, cross-training across multiple departments, and 3 rounds of applications, and I finally earned that forensic tox promotion. I was so proud of myself, and ready to start the next phase of my life working in my dream job.

Being at a production lab meant the main focus was turn-around-time (TAT) on samples, doing whatever it took to get all the testing done and submitted within a predetermined length of time. That grind didn’t stop when I became a toxicologist; it just shifted from being in the lab doing the testing hands-on, to reviewing the data so the final report could be submitted.

I was reviewing 60-80 postmortem cases daily to try and keep up. No one really talks about the heavy mental load that comes with looking at that many death cases and reading detailed reports about what happened to these people. After only about a year in the position, I started to question if this kind of work was right for me.

In June 2023 I went on a 2 week vacation, the first vacation of that length I had ever taken since graduating college in 2012. I knew I desperately needed a break because of how utterly jaded and frustrated I felt leading up to my PTO. During that time, I attended the STEMNoire conference in Puerto Rico and was able to meet other Black women in STEM, some of whom I had only known through social media.

I had a great time that weekend, but I realized I didn’t want to talk about my job or forensic science at all. This was the complete opposite of some of the women there who were extremely passionate about their work, and were advocating to get more Black women into their fields. I felt that if I had the chance to talk to someone interested in forensic toxicology, I honestly would have talked them out of it.

My vacation ended the first week of July, and I felt depressed about having to go back to work. I thought it was just ‘vacation brain’ after not having those responsibilities for 2 full weeks. Weeks went by, then months, and I was still completely frustrated with my job. That depression made me realize it wasn’t just vacation brain, I didn’t want to be there anymore. My productivity was slipping, I was having a really hard time getting things done each day, and I just felt miserable all the time.

I really struggled with the idea of leaving that job after only being a toxicologist for one year. It took so much hard work to get to that point; it’s the dream job I wanted since learning about it in undergrad over 10 years before. I thought I had finally “made it” but I wasn’t happy at all. 

Board certification was mandatory as a toxicologist at that lab, but I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to be in the field, let alone getting certified within the field. I pushed through my apathy and spent months studying for the exam but at that point, I had also made the decision that I was going to leave eventually. I’d do the best I could, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I didn’t pass the exam. 

My test date in early December 2023 came and went, and I found out a few weeks later that I didn’t pass. I had already begun looking for a new job, so I wasn’t heartbroken about the result. Specific departmental changes came up around the mandatory board certification that really pissed me off, just adding to my growing disdain for that job. I kept applying to other jobs knowing it would be better for everyone if I could leave sooner rather than later. For the next 4 months, I searched, networked, and applied to as many positions as I could. 

Nothing came through.

By the end of April, I had finally hit my limit. I decided to quit even though I didn’t have another job lined up. For months, I was having discussions with friends and family about my thoughts, and they all encouraged me to do what I needed to do. I pushed through my immense anxiety, and submitted my 2 week notice to my supervisor.

I stepped out of the building to a cloudy overcast day, but inside I felt as if it was the most sunny, beautiful day I’d ever experienced. It was like an enormous weight had been lifted off of me. I immediately knew I made the right decision based on that feeling alone. I finished out my time there, and left the first week of May feeling like I was on to something better for me.

The next 4 months were really stressful being unemployed with only a couple months worth of expenses saved up, along with having to move out of my apartment at the end of July. (The credit card debt I racked up was sadly necessary, but I’ll talk about that in a later post). Thankfully I landed a new scientist job and started in September. It’s an R&D position that’s not solely focused on TAT like some production labs, and there’s no life-or-death situations like in forensic science.

I have way less stress, no court testimonies to attend, no board certification expectations, no conference attendance or presentations required. At the time of writing this, I’ve been working in the position for about 3 months, and I’m already feeling so much better. For the first time in a LONG time, I actually don’t mind going to work every day. 

Thinking back on my time working at the forensics lab, I did enjoy my time working there for the most part. I met great people who I’m still close friends with today. At the end of the day, I had to do what was right for me, which meant quitting what I once thought was my dream job. 

The biggest takeaway I have from this whole experience is this: It’s ok to change your mind. No matter how badly you wanted something, no matter how hard you worked for it. If it’s not what you thought it’d be once you get there, you’re allowed to change your mind. You don’t have to stay somewhere that you aren’t wanted just because at one point, you wanted to be there. Things change, people change, YOU change – don’t stay stuck in the past if it isn’t serving you any more.